How To Earn Your Team's Trust And Hearts
Use Nonviolent Communication framework to promote a more positive and collaborative team environment in your company.
In today's fast-paced and competitive work environments, communication is still an underrated skill in many product teams and companies. Sad but true, I’ve heard so many times from colleagues complain of the relationship that they have with their product managers or product owners.
They seem to be more focused on demanding tons of features and shipping fast instead of procuring their own teams mental health. If they only new there’s a way to gain the trust of their teams with “nonviolent communication”. Not only would their confidence increase, but teamwork would be easier!
What is Nonviolent Communication (NVC)?
The term "nonviolent" in Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is inspired by Mahatma Gandhi's philosophy of "ahimsa" which is often translated as "nonviolence." Ahimsa is a core principle of various Indian religions and emphasizes doing no harm and showing compassion to all living beings.
Marshall Rosenberg, the creator of NVC, chose the term to denote a form of communication that promotes compassion, understanding, and collaboration instead of conflict, coercion, or harm. In this context, "violence" doesn't necessarily refer to physical harm; it can also mean emotional harm, manipulation, or any form of communication that leads to misunderstanding, disconnection, or conflict.
NVC aims to avoid this "violence" in communication by teaching individuals to:
Express themselves without criticizing, condemning, or making judgments.
Listen empathetically to others without interpreting or evaluating their words.
Identify the feelings and needs behind statements, both in oneself and in others.
Make clear, actionable requests without demanding or coercing.
With these principles, Nonviolent Communication seeks to foster relationships based on mutual respect, understanding, and cooperation.
Marshall Rosenberg used two animals to demonstrate the two types of communication in his book:
🦒 The Giraffe
✅ Symbol of Heartfelt Communication: The giraffe is chosen as a symbol because it has the largest heart of any land mammal, representing compassion, empathy, and genuine connection.
✅ Language of Life: Represents a way of communicating that is centered on understanding and connecting with the feelings and needs of oneself and others. The giraffe seeks clarity, connection, and mutually beneficial solutions.
✅ Empathetic Listening: The giraffe listens with full presence, trying to understand the underlying feelings and needs without judgment or evaluation.
✅ Abundance Mindset: Operates from a mindset of abundance, believing that everyone's needs can be met.
✅ Honest Expression: When speaking, the giraffe expresses its feelings and needs openly without blame, demand, or criticism.
🐺 The Jackal
❌ Symbol of Life-Disconnected Communication: Represents a more habitual way of thinking and communicating that often leads to blame, judgment, and misunderstanding.
❌ Language of the Head: The jackal tends to analyze, categorize, criticize, or compare, which can result in defensive reactions or disconnection.
❌ Reactive Listening: The jackal often hears criticism and demands, even if none were intended. It may react defensively or aggressively.
❌ Scarcity Mindset: Operates from a mindset of scarcity, seeing situations as zero-sum where one's gain is another's loss.
❌ Demanding Expression: When speaking, the jackal often expresses its viewpoints through judgments, blame, demands, or evaluations.
Why should Product Managers care?
I truly believe all of this advice can benefit every career position and even your personal relationships! Yet, specially Product Managers are the ones who pass most of their time interacting with people. If not, then something is wrong with the role.
This is why the NVC framework can be particularly valuable for PMs:
Stakeholder Collaboration: PMs regularly collaborate with diverse stakeholders, from engineers to marketers. NVC provides tools to communicate more effectively, building understanding and mutual respect.
User Empathy: A PM's success largely hinges on understanding user needs. NVC promotes deep listening and empathy, which can lead to better insights about user pain points and desires.
Conflict Resolution: In product development, disagreements are common, whether about feature prioritization, design decisions, or timelines. NVC offers a structured approach to navigate these conflicts, seeking win-win solutions.
Clear Communication: Being clear about needs and requests is pivotal for PMs. NVC emphasizes expressing needs without blame, making it more likely for teams to respond positively.
Feedback Reception: PMs often receive feedback, both positive and critical. Using NVC can help them not take negative feedback personally and instead focus on the underlying needs and concerns being expressed.
Team Morale: By promoting understanding and reducing conflicts, NVC can contribute to a more positive and collaborative team environment. Boost collaboration within team members, giving them the chance to be heard and feel understood.
How the NVC Framework works
At the core of the diagram, there's our friendly giraffe of course. As we saw earlier, is often used as a symbol for NVC because giraffes have the largest heart of all land animals, representing the compassion and empathy central to NVC.
The framework is designed to help anyone communicate with compassion, empathy, and authenticity. Let’s go through each part:
Observations (Facts): This is the initial step where you state objective observations without evaluation or interpretation. It's what you see, hear, or notice, without adding any judgments or evaluations to it.
Feelings (Emotions): After observing, you express how you feel about what you observed. These feelings should be genuine emotions you're experiencing, not thoughts or interpretations about the situation.
Needs (Values): This step involves identifying and expressing the needs, desires, or values that are causing your feelings. Needs in NVC are universal and are not tied to specific strategies or actions.
Requests (Actions): Once you've identified your feelings and needs, you make a clear, concrete request for action to meet the identified need. It's essential that the request is doable, specific, and expressed in positive action language.
Surrounding these four main components are other aspects that can influence or distort genuine NVC:
Evaluations: These are judgments or interpretations about what's happening, rather than objective observations. In NVC, it's recommended to avoid evaluations and stick to objective facts.
Blame: Assigning fault or blame can block compassionate communication. NVC encourages understanding and connection rather than blame.
Judgements: Similar to evaluations, judgments are about labeling or categorizing something or someone, rather than observing without interpretation.
Demands: Instead of making clear requests, demands insist on a specific action and might not consider the needs and feelings of others.
No Choice: This is a feeling or perception that one has no other options. It's contrasted with the idea of making choices based on free will and consciousness.
False Feelings: These are interpretations or thoughts disguised as feelings. In NVC, it's crucial to distinguish between genuine emotions and thoughts or interpretations about a situation.
Now that we’ve reviewed the differences between the Jackal and the Giraffe communication styles, to successfully implement this framework all you’ll have to do is to transform all the negative points into Observations, Feelings, Needs and Requests.
Of course this looks super easy, yet the difficulties comes at actually doing it. Mastering this communication skill requires practice, practice, and more practice!
NVC provides a communication pattern so you can express your desires, without criticizing, insulting, or putting down other people. It's also one of the most powerful communication techniques I've ever learned, and helped me to connect with my product team.
“The ability to observe without evaluating is the highest form of intelligence”
–Philosopher Jiddu Krishnamurti
The previous image helps us to follow the mentioned steps in a single phrase. By breaking down our communication into observations, emotions, needs, and requests, we create a clear and structured method to convey our feelings and requirements without falling into the traps of judgment, blame, or vagueness.
The [observation] portion ensures that our statements are based on factual and neutral observations, rather than evaluations or interpretations. This clarity prevents misunderstandings and defensiveness from the outset.
The [emotion] segment allows us to express our genuine feelings about the observation, fostering vulnerability and authenticity. By sharing our emotions, we invite others to empathize with our experience.
The [universal needs] component is crucial as it highlights the underlying needs or values causing our feelings. By pinpointing these needs, we shift the focus from surface-level symptoms to core concerns, making it easier for both parties to find common ground.
Lastly, the [request] element prompts actionable feedback or assistance. Instead of making vague or implicit demands, this step clarifies what we are seeking from the other party, offering them a clear path to assist or collaborate.
As a Product Manager, how can I implement this at work?
I hear you! And I’ve come prepared with some examples of how you can start practicing this with your team:
During Feature Prioritization:
Traditional Statement: "Why isn't the new login feature ready? It's been weeks!"
NVC Application: "When I see that the new login feature isn't released yet, I feel anxious because I'm needing some clarity on our progress. Would you be able to provide an update on its status?"
Addressing Product Bugs:
Traditional Statement: "Users are complaining about the app crashing. This shouldn't be happening!"
NVC Application: "When I read user feedback about the app crashes, I feel concerned because I’m needing some reliability for our user experience. Would you be able to prioritize investigating this issue?"
Discussing Design Decisions with Designers:
Traditional Statement: "This design doesn't match our brand. Change it."
NVC Application: "When I look at this design, I feel it might not align closely with our brand guidelines because I’m needing some consistency in our brand presentation. Would you be open to revisiting it with the brand guidelines in mind?"
Engaging with Marketing Teams:
Traditional Statement: "We need more aggressive marketing for our new feature."
NVC Application: "When I review our marketing plans for the new feature, I feel a bit uneasy because I'm needing some assurance that it will get maximum exposure. Would you consider amplifying our marketing efforts for it?"
Feedback on Team Performance:
Traditional Statement: "The team missed the deadline again!"
NVC Application: "When I noticed we missed our project deadline, I felt disappointed because I’m needing some predictability in our release cycle. Could we discuss ways to improve our project timelines?"
Collaborating with Sales Teams:
Traditional Statement: "We can't promise that feature to clients right now."
NVC Application: "When I hear that this feature is being promised to clients, I feel concerned because I’m needing some alignment with our current roadmap. Would you be able to discuss with me before setting such expectations?"
NVC sounds amazing, but what if I get a “NO” as an answer?
Receiving a "NO" after using the NVC framework can be disappointing, but it's essential to remember that NVC isn't a technique to manipulate or ensure a specific outcome. Instead, it's about fostering understanding, connection, and mutual respect.
Anyway, here are some tips of how to handle a "NO" within the NVC framework:
Accept the "NO" Respectfully: Remember that every individual has their own feelings, needs, and reasons. Just as you have needs, so do they. Respect their "NO" as an expression of their needs.
Seek Understanding: Respond with empathy by trying to understand the needs and feelings behind their "NO." You might say, "I hear you saying no, and I'm curious about what needs of yours are leading to that."
Explore Alternatives: A "NO" to one request doesn't mean a "NO" to every solution. Engage in a dialogue to explore alternative solutions that might meet both parties' needs.
Remember It's Okay to Agree to Disagree: The outcome of a difficult conversation isn’t necessarily an agreement. Sometimes, even with the best communication, two parties might not find a shared solution. It's okay to acknowledge differences and move forward.
Reflect and Learn: After the conversation, reflect on what you might learn from the interaction. Maybe there's a way to refine your NVC practice or a different approach to consider in the future.
The beauty of NVC is that it aims to deepen connection and understanding, regardless of the outcome. Even if you receive a "NO," the conversation's quality, understanding, and mutual respect can pave the way for more constructive interactions in the future.
I’d like to finish with this amazing Marshall’s quote.
“Empathy is the gift of hearing someone without taking it personally”
—Marshall Rosenberg, author of Nonviolent Communication
Do you identify yourself with this communication style? What are your thoughts? Let me know in the comments!
This was helpful Elena, came from Linkedin!...I learned active listening isn't enough to build trust, how we communicate matters a lot as well.
This topic is awesome. I think being able to effectively communicate and maintain self-awareness of how your message is impacting others - in work or at home - is such an important skill.
I've found taking the approach outlined really can shut down the jackal types from being jackal-y (?). They're used to fighting with other jackals and some friendly and positive messaging can really disrupt them.